Relationships: Why Do Some People Hold Onto Past Relationships?

While some people can let go of a relationship once it is over, there are others who are unable to do so. When someone is able let go, it will be possible for them to move on and to embrace the present moment. However, if they are unable to do this, it is not going to be possible for them to move on and to live in the present moment. Based on this, it is clear to see that letting go is the best option. A Gradual Process Even if someone is able to let go, it doesn’t mean that this will always happen straight away or that they won’t experience pain. There is the chance that part of them will want to hold on, but another part of them will play an important part in them moving on. The time it takes for them to let go of a relationship may depend on how close they were or how long it lasted. And as time passes, the attachment they had to another person will gradually come to an end. Stuck On the other hand, this is not going to take place when someone holds on, and while this could because they were close, this might not be the case. It could have been a relationship that wasn’t in their best interests and it might not have lasted for very long. In this case, it is a good thing that is over, and they are then in a position where they can find someone who is a better match. If they had a special connection with the other person, it would be easier to understand why they still hold on. Pressure The ideal would be for them to face up to the fact that the relationship is over and even if they did have something special together, this is all in the past. Every part of them may be holding on and they are not going to feel the need to move on. This is not to say that they won’t feel any pressure, and this could come from the people in their life. They may tell to forget about the other person and to move on, and while this could have an effect on then, it might end up falling on deaf ears. Conflict Yet, just because someone is unable to move on, it doesn’t mean they don’t want to. What this is likely to show is that they are experiencing inner conflict, and this is stopping them from being able to change. When people tell them to move on, it is then going to match up with what they tell themselves. They have the need to move on, but another part of then won’t let them carry on with the rest of their life. Head over Heart It could be that their heart is still attached, and this is then in direct opposition with their head. This part of them is going to be aware of what happened in the past and what is happening now. And because their heart is holding on and their head is telling them to let go, it could cause them even more pain. There is then the pain they are experiencing in their heart and the pain they are experiencing through not being able to let go. Fantasising When someone doesn’t want to let go, they are likely to have moments where they imagine having the other person in their life again. This will give them two choices: to either feel down through facing how they feel, or to feel good through fantasising about what will happen. And as the first option makes them feel bad and the second option makes them feel good, they are going to feel the need to do everything they can to avoid facing reality. The above scenario can also happen when someone does want to let go, but in this case, there is likely to be a greater willingness to face up to reality. Moving On If someone has the ability to move on, once a relationship is over, it could be because they have a healthy relationship with their emotions, and this stops them from carrying emotional baggage. As a result of this, the end of a relationship is not going to trigger painful emotions from the past. When they experience loss, they will face their grief and allow themselves to mourn. Through doing this, it will be easier for them to let go of relationships that are not fulfilling, and when they are, the pain they experience will not be backed up by what has stayed in their body from the past. Holding On However, if someone finds it difficult to move on, it could be because they haven’t got a healthy relationship with their emotions, and this then causes them to carry emotional baggage. Once a relationship comes to an end, they can end up being overwhelmed by a sense of loss. When their relationships come to an end, they may stop themselves from mourning, and while this may allow them to feel better in the short-term, the pain they avoid will stay trapped in their body. It then won’t matter what kind of relationship they had or how long it lasted because the end of the relationship will trigger their unmourned grief from the past. Going Through the Pain Holding onto a relationship is then a way for them to avoid the pain that is within them, and if this pain has built up over the years, it is going to be normal for someone to behave in this way. Yet, in order for them to let go, they will need to face the pain that is within them. This is not something that will happen through force and someone can’t just ‘get over it’. The only way to truly let go is to go through the pain, and this means that one will need to surrender to how they feel. Awareness It will be important for them to cry out the pain that is with them, and as this takes place, they will gradually begin to let go. There is no set time for this and this is partly because this is not a linear process. This is a process that can take place with the assistance of a therapist. The main thing is that someone allows themselves to mourn the grief that is within them and doesn’t give up. Author's Bio: Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over seven hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy." To find out more go to - http://www.oliverjrcooper.co.uk/ Feel free to join the Facebook Group - https://www.facebook.com/OliverJRCooper

Relationships: Is There A Reason Why Some People Attract People Who Can't Love Them?

When some people think about what it is like to be in a relationship, they might get a sense of being around someone who is truly there for them. This means that the other person is not only physically available, they are also emotionally available. Now, this could be because they are currently in a relationship like this or it could come down to how their relationships have been in the past. If they are in a relationship like this, they are going to want it to continue, and if this is how their relationships have been in the past, they are going to look forward to being in one on once again. The Opposite However, there are going to be others who are unable to relate to this, and this is because of the experiences they have had. Based on their experiences, being in a relationship can mean being with someone who is not completely available. If they are with someone who is like this, this is going to be something they experience on a day-to-day basis, and if this relates to what happened in the past, their mind can remind them of what it was like. In this case, they are either going to be in a relationship that doesn’t fulfil their needs or they are going to think about what has happened and tell themselves they don’t want to go through all that again. One Side When one is in a position where their relationships are fulfilling, they might find it difficult to relate to people who experience life differently. However, this can all depend on whether their life has always been this way. One may have had relationships that were not like this in the past, and this will then allow them to understand what it is like. Perhaps they looked into why they were experiencing life in this way and then decided to do whatever they need to do to put an end to these kinds of relationships. Another Side If, on the other hand, one is in a position where they have a pattern of being in relationships that are not fulfilling, it can be difficult for them to understand why other people experience life differently. They can end up believing that other people have something they don’t, and this can cause them to feel hopeless. And as this is what they have become accustomed to, it is going to be normal for them to feel this way. Yet, as they still have the need to connect with someone at a deeper level, it doesn’t mean they will just turn their back on relationships altogether. The Main Problem They may say that their relationships never work or that they always attract the wrong people, and they might believe that their life will never change. This could cause them to think about whether they are attractive enough or if they are smart enough, for instance. And if they were to take the time to think about why their relationships are not fulfilling, they may say that they always attract people who can’t love them. This doesn’t mean this is how things always start off, but as time passes, this could be what takes place. Appearances If they were to come to the conclusion that it is about what they look like, this may have caused then to become obsessed with their appearance. It is then not going to be enough for them to look after themselves; they will need to do everything they can to look ‘perfect’. There is also the chance that they have been through all this and it didn’t make any difference. Or if they have come across people who have fulfilling relationships who don’t look a certain way, they may come to the conclusion that it’s not about what they look like. Success Another thing they can do is to become more successful in the hopes that it will finally allow them to attract someone who will love them. This might make more people take notice of them, for instance, but that might be as far as it goes. They can still end up in the same position, and if they believe they have everything going for them, it could be ever harder for them to accept how their life is. This is because they may believe that there is nothing else they can do. Stepping Back If they have focused purely on what is taking place externally, it is likely to mean that they haven’t taken the time to get in touch with what is taking place internally. Therefore, it is going to be important for them to get in touch with how they feel and what they believe. Through this, one can find out what their beliefs are and if they feel that they deserved to be loved. If one has a pattern of attracting people who can’t love them, there is a strong chance that they don’t love themselves. A Reflection What is taking place externally is then a reflection of what is taking place externally, and the reason why one can’t see this could be because they have disconnected from that part of themselves. Or if they haven’t done this, they might not realise how their inner world is influencing their outer world. When one can’t love themselves, this is likely to mean that they are carrying toxic shame, and will cause them up to feel worthless. This will have permeated their whole being and they will feel as though there is nothing they can do to change how they feel. Comfortable Although they are naturally going to be frustrated with attracting people who can’t love them, this is going to be what feels comfortable at a deeper level. If they started to realise their value, this would gradually begin to change. The reason they are carrying toxic shame, could be because of what happened during their younger years. This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected. Awareness In order for one to move beyond this challenge, it will be important for them to let go of the toxic shame within them, and this take place through facing the toxic shame within them until the charge begins to discharge. And along with the belief work that will need to take place; they may also have unmet childhood needs to mourn. The support one needs to undertake this process can come from a therapist and/or a support group.